and now....

So here I sit. Watching tv. Realizing how skinny every girl is on it. I want to be like that!!! why cant I be that way?
Life has been intresting. I'm trying to be better this year inside & out. Package deal ya know? I work in an office, in a samll town. I wanna loose enough weight for people to notice. I have already lost 40 pounds in the past four months. but no one noticed.... Maybe if I loose enough I will get a raise at work. I have been working hard enough that I do deserve one.

Im thinking when I get down to my goal weight, maybe my boyfriend will prapose? hopefully.<3 We have been together a bit over 4 years. If it doesnt happend something is wrong. Though maybe I dont deserve anything I guess. I will keep trying though. I NEED to be perfect.... especially if im even considering marriage....

Im so lost! I must go to the gym thursday. Tomorrow i have to go to a friends. This girl Im kinda friends with. Lost touch with ALOT of friends... i just feel so distgusting, like I dont deserve anything or anyone till I weigh thats special number....

The girls house im going to tomorrow use to be the skinny on... but now... well shes put on weight and im the one looseing... a few months back I was getting scary thin and people noticed and she said I should put on weight.... ha! in your dreams... i will NEVER be that person again! promise ;)

June is only 145 days away! 4 and a half months... I can do this! I want to loose 40 more pounds.... this is do-able. This is the new me......