So here I sit. Watching tv. Realizing how skinny every girl is on it. I want to be like that!!! why cant I be that way?
Life has been intresting. I'm trying to be better this year inside & out. Package deal ya know? I work in an office, in a samll town. I wanna loose enough weight for people to notice. I have already lost 40 pounds in the past four months. but no one noticed.... Maybe if I loose enough I will get a raise at work. I have been working hard enough that I do deserve one.
Im thinking when I get down to my goal weight, maybe my boyfriend will prapose? hopefully.<3 We have been together a bit over 4 years. If it doesnt happend something is wrong. Though maybe I dont deserve anything I guess. I will keep trying though. I NEED to be perfect.... especially if im even considering marriage....
Im so lost! I must go to the gym thursday. Tomorrow i have to go to a friends. This girl Im kinda friends with. Lost touch with ALOT of friends... i just feel so distgusting, like I dont deserve anything or anyone till I weigh thats special number....
The girls house im going to tomorrow use to be the skinny on... but now... well shes put on weight and im the one looseing... a few months back I was getting scary thin and people noticed and she said I should put on weight.... ha! in your dreams... i will NEVER be that person again! promise ;)
June is only 145 days away! 4 and a half months... I can do this! I want to loose 40 more pounds.... this is do-able. This is the new me......
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Letter From Ana:
Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana.
Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you. In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth.
Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.
Sincerely,Ana
Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana.
Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you. In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth.
Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.
Sincerely,Ana
Monday, January 5, 2009
Fasting
Thought of the Day :
"You will be FAT if you eat today, just put it off one more day."
Fasting Facts:
-Water fasting cleanses the body, as the stored food (fat) is used rapidly and the body simultaneously expels built up toxins.
-If you are fasting for weight loss (um, yeah!!) and are following a juice or tea fast, a few days on just water will intensify the fast.
-Fasting can clear the skin and whiten the eyes and initiates rapid weight loss (yay!).
-Water fasting is not recommend for a first fast as toxins are released into the blood very quickly.
-Fasting makes it easy to overcome bad habits and addictions.
-Fasting allows you to have taste appreciation for clean, natural foods.
-Going on a fast can give you the motivation and the enthusiasm you need to make a fresh start! (And we all need a fresh start from time to time.)
Fasting Info:
-Distilled water is best for water fasting.-Juice made w/fresh, organic fruits is best for juice fasting.
-Do not drink orange or tomato juice on a fast.
-You can dilute your pure juices w/water.
-Green juices made from leafy green veggies in a juicer are great for detoxifying.
-Pure veggie broths are good (with no seasons added).
-Herbal teas and honey can aid in fasting.
-Typical fasts (going totally w/out any solid foods) usually are performed as 3 day, 7 day, 10 day, 14 day or 21 day increments. 28+ days should be supervised. (Or at least the person fasting should let someone know they are doing it.)
-Break a fast by eating raw fruits and veggies the first five-seven days after your fast. Go back to solids slowly.
-Do not binge or overeat after the fast (or during!). Try to discover the amount of food your body really needs.
-Meditate, go for a walk, take lots of naps, journal, listen to music, take long, warm bathes and relax. This is your time for healing, losing weight and gaining self-control!
well im off to the grocery store tomorrow... going to get ready for my fast. loves you all!
-Starve on-
-K-
"You will be FAT if you eat today, just put it off one more day."
Fasting Facts:
-Water fasting cleanses the body, as the stored food (fat) is used rapidly and the body simultaneously expels built up toxins.
-If you are fasting for weight loss (um, yeah!!) and are following a juice or tea fast, a few days on just water will intensify the fast.
-Fasting can clear the skin and whiten the eyes and initiates rapid weight loss (yay!).
-Water fasting is not recommend for a first fast as toxins are released into the blood very quickly.
-Fasting makes it easy to overcome bad habits and addictions.
-Fasting allows you to have taste appreciation for clean, natural foods.
-Going on a fast can give you the motivation and the enthusiasm you need to make a fresh start! (And we all need a fresh start from time to time.)
Fasting Info:
-Distilled water is best for water fasting.-Juice made w/fresh, organic fruits is best for juice fasting.
-Do not drink orange or tomato juice on a fast.
-You can dilute your pure juices w/water.
-Green juices made from leafy green veggies in a juicer are great for detoxifying.
-Pure veggie broths are good (with no seasons added).
-Herbal teas and honey can aid in fasting.
-Typical fasts (going totally w/out any solid foods) usually are performed as 3 day, 7 day, 10 day, 14 day or 21 day increments. 28+ days should be supervised. (Or at least the person fasting should let someone know they are doing it.)
-Break a fast by eating raw fruits and veggies the first five-seven days after your fast. Go back to solids slowly.
-Do not binge or overeat after the fast (or during!). Try to discover the amount of food your body really needs.
-Meditate, go for a walk, take lots of naps, journal, listen to music, take long, warm bathes and relax. This is your time for healing, losing weight and gaining self-control!
well im off to the grocery store tomorrow... going to get ready for my fast. loves you all!
-Starve on-
-K-
Disturbed
Monday night..... feeling so disgusting. went out for dinner... and ate to much. That's NEEDS to stop!!
But before I get ahead of myself... maybe I should start from the beginning. I'm -K- . I'm terribly insecure and its been tearing my life and my self esteem apart. I have been disgusted with myself for far to long now, and recently came across a blog which inspired me.... & now I have decided to try different methods of weight loss. In 2008 I lost 40lbs..... that's it!!! weak I know. I can do better though.
I have a loving boyfriend in my life so I will have to be careful. This Christmas he got me an ipod. but asked if I could go to the gym more. WOW in my face. :( but its a new year therefore... a new me for life.
~A new -K- for 2009 ~
If anyone has any advice or tips pass them along feedback is necessary. <3
Starve on beautifuls!
But before I get ahead of myself... maybe I should start from the beginning. I'm -K- . I'm terribly insecure and its been tearing my life and my self esteem apart. I have been disgusted with myself for far to long now, and recently came across a blog which inspired me.... & now I have decided to try different methods of weight loss. In 2008 I lost 40lbs..... that's it!!! weak I know. I can do better though.
I have a loving boyfriend in my life so I will have to be careful. This Christmas he got me an ipod. but asked if I could go to the gym more. WOW in my face. :( but its a new year therefore... a new me for life.
~A new -K- for 2009 ~
If anyone has any advice or tips pass them along feedback is necessary. <3
Starve on beautifuls!
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